The Wardrobe of Advanced Knowledge

Why, yes, you may admire me. I have donned the Mantle of Absolute Cosmic Rightness. Isn't it dazzling?

Behold my oversize Elton John Lenses of Enlightenment! I see all there is to see!

I have polished my Intellectual Seven League Boots til I can see my own reflection. How handsome I am! I do so enjoy the thunderous reverberations of my own mighty footsteps as I stomp and strut.

Approach! I require an audience to validate my ego. Just let me climb these Golden Steps to my Throne of Judgment. If you grovel sufficiently I just may deign to share a sample of Objective Universal Truth that only I now possess.

Wait a moment ...

Stomp.

Stomp.

Stomp.

Whew, this is kind of steep. Perhaps I    oops

tumble
tumble
Thud
CRASH!

(pause)

Little help here?

Please?

Anybody?

 

Refinery capacity

It seems common for bloggers to disappear for weeks or months, then reappear to post a sorry-for-not-posting post. Usually they cite the urgent press of school, career, family, and such. We all empathize, of course.

Our challenge here at the Irony Mine is a bit different, however. We post infrequently because it takes much longer to refine a nugget of irony ore than we originally expected.

There's certainly no lack of raw, unrefined irony ore. Ye Olde Internet Blogosphere is neck deep in irony. The culture around us seems determined to clobber us with ironic nuggets daily, if not hourly. Ya gotta duck to avoid the rocks as they fly by. Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert may well have job security that they can pass along to their grandchildren.

It's easy to make jokes for the people who already see the irony around us. We want to go another step. We try to refine all that crude irony ore so that it can be seen by the people who most need to see it.

So please, please pity us! We're desperate for readers and We hope you empathize.

And now, back to the work in progress...

Definition of anonymous

1. According to Merriam-Webster:

not named or identified;
of unknown authorship or origin

2. According to a remarkable number of blog comments:

At 1:13 a.m. anonymous commenter said...

Hi, blogger, it's me.

At 3:11 a.m. anonymous commenter said...

Hi, blogger. Long time, no email???!!!

At 3:20 a.m. anonymous commenter said...

Hi, blogger, it's me again! Still waiting for that email ...

At 3:29 a.m. anonymous commenter said...

Um, yeah, so how bout that email eh?

At 3:34 a.m. anonymous commenter said...

jeez blogger do u hate all your readers or just me huh? ?? u suck im never readign ur blog again!!!

Perhaps this is why your computer has an 'off' switch

A nugget from blog reader comments:

Your blog sucks.

I know that because I read it every day.

Ten thousand words about brevity

I think it was Shakespeare who said, "brevity is the soul of wit". Or was it Britney Spears?

Anyway, who cares, it's such a great line! There's so much that can be said about brevity and being brief and concise and not wasting words or repeating yourself.

Another 10,000 words about brevity, below the fold, after the jump, c'mon, you know you're gonna click, so just do it already...

To waste this would be a terrible thing

I'm very open-minded.

Now let me tell you why you're all wrong.

Universal Feminist Blog Comment Template (ver. 1.0)

The comments upon self-identified feminist blogs tend to follow a typical pattern. In fact, any blog post that identifies the routine sexism of Western civilization seems likely to generate the same pattern of responses.

As a public service, the Irony Mine has extracted nuggets of raw ore, refined them, and molded them into this, The Universal Feminist Blog Comment Template (version 1.0):

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Attention Blogger:

1. I am female. Your post describes my experience also. Thanks.


2. I am male. I feel threatened by your words.


3. I am male. I feel extremely threatened by your words.


4. I am male. I don't get it.


5. I am male. I don't get it, but I do feel threatened.


6. I am male. Won't you please say something nice about men?


7. I am male. I command you to say something nice about men.


8. I am male. If you don't say something nice about men, I may stop reading your blog.


9. I am male. If you don't say something nice about men, I may stop reading your blog. I really mean it!


10. I am male. If you don't say something nice about men, I definitely will stop reading your blog. Ha! So there! See if I don't!


11. I am male. Have you acknowledged my superior intellect yet?


12. How about now?


13. I wish to debate with you about something you've written.


14. I wish to debate with you about something I assume you've written.


15. I wish to debate with you about something I assume you believe.


16. I wish to debate with you about something I believe.


17. I wish to debate with you about how smart I am. Feel my rhetorical wrath!


18. I wish to debate with you about ... anything! I just like to debate. Call me Mr. Devil's Advocate.


19. Spam, spam, spam, spam...

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Presented as a public service to the Internet community, under a Creative Commons License. If you copy, please credit the source. Speaking of credit, The Universal Feminist Blog Comment Template was inspired largely by the comments at Thus Spake Zuska.

For external use only. Safe when used as directed. Your mileage may vary. Not a significant source of ferric oxide.